How Do I Know If My Partner Has Changed? Common Purpose counselors do not take a position about whether relationships should continue. Whether or not you should stay with your partner is a decision that only you can make. Your partner's willingness to change, or to remain abusive is up to him. His own decisions determine his actions. Hoping that your partner will become non-abusive is natural, but being in a batterer intervention group is no guarantee he will change. To help you in evaluating any changes in your partner's attitudes and behaviors we have given you a partial checklist. Please add others you can think of that are unique to your relationship. Lists adapted from Ann Jones and Susan Schecter: When Love Goes Wrong. What your partner's behavior might look like when there is no change: He continues to use violence and threats._______ You have to encourage, coax, or pressure him to go to group.______ He continues to abuse alcohol/drugs and then blames the alcohol and drug use for his violence._________ He blames you for his having to attend the program._______ He expects you to pay for the program.________ He admits he has a problem but remains abusive and blames you for his actions.__________ He comes home from a group and uses information he says he has learned in group against you. ________ He continues old behaviors such as following you, harassing you, monitoring what you do, or accuses you of having affairs.__________ He says things like "I am changing, but what about you?" or "This is a two-way street".________ When you ask questions about his group he is always negative about the group dynamic and his involvement... or he simply refuses to share anything with you. If you have checked any of the above, you should consider calling a counselor at a women's services agency. If your partner is enrolled in a batterer intervention program, call the program and ask to speak with a counselor. Some positive changes your partner might make: Has your partner stopped using physical force, threats and other forms of intimidation? (examples are restraining or pushing you, angry looks, loud voice, throwing things, clenched fist) Does it feel safe for you to disagree or argue with him, to get angry, to complain about his behavior, or to say no to sex? Are you comfortable having friends or outside interests, without dreading his criticism or negative withdrawal? Has he stopped blaming you for his problem? Does he praise you or give you compliments? Does he show appreciation for the things you do for him? Does he listen to what you say respectfully? Are you happier with your partner? Are you able to be with him without feeling tense or scared? Has your partner stopped putting you down and humiliating you in public and private situations? Has he exhibited these positive changes over a period of at least six months? < Back